From an email I sent to a friend earlier today:
So let me tell you about my morning . . . .
415am: alarm goes off. Say a few swear words. Hit snooze.
424am: alarm goes off again. Swear some more. Hit snooze.
433am: alarm goes off again. Hit the cat as I try and think of new swear words. Hit snooze.
442am: alarm goes off again. Resigned sigh, cat is skuttling out of the way so I don’t hit him again. Hit snooze.
444am: alarm clock number two goes off. The one that sounds like R2D2 on speed in a garbage disposal. Remember new swear words. Finally get up.
445am: morning bathroom routine. Can tell it’s going to be a fun day because I woke up cramping, i.e., will be a HEAVY day.
500am: make breakfast and eat while checking email
525am: leave for gym. pouring down rain combined with slushy stuff on road means my car is sluggish. blah.
531am: start on bike
549am: curse the bike, the alarm clock manufacturers, my gene pool for not making me a waifish 120 pounds who can eat an entire pizza and lose weight, and mop sweat from face
614am: get off bike, head to locker room
616am: realize that earlier theory about day being fun wasn’t quite sarcastic enough as I do not have tampons in my gym bag and already need to change because I am bleeding out
620am: am miserable from cramping, but head to sauna. Dammit, I need something as positive reinforcement for being here this early!
642am: get dressed. do hair. don’t feel like putting on sneakers with wet socks so wear flip flops. skin has that ‘don’t touch me’ crawl going on from the heat and the period thing, so decide to just wear lightweight jacket out to car
652am: realize that it is still raining as I walk to the car, and that flip flops might not have been the best choice despite wet socks.
654am: drive home. car still sluggish, but no slush on road. something is not right. worst case scenario runs through my head of all the ways I can not afford car repairs right now
658am: realize that front left tire isn’t just flat, it’s FLAT, and I have been driving on rim. Great. Text boss, tell him will be in as soon as I change tire and clean up
659am: get out of car to change tire. realize mistake, as getting out means standing, and standing means gravity, and I really need to get inside to the restroom. Ignore it anyway, figuring if I’m going to get dirty, I might as well clean up all at once.
705am: try and remember those swear words, as the spare tire cover on the back of my car is so old it has conformed to the shape of the tire and is tearing as I remove it. Finally decide it’s not worth saving and rip the sucker off.
712am: have spare off of car, move to side
715am: begin to jack up car
720am: have car jacked up to a point where I can start taking lug nuts off flat tire. Get one loose, try to loosen the second, and it’s like Paul Bunyan himself screwed these suckers on the car. Holy crap, it ain’t movin’!
727am: realize that that one lug nut is not my friend, and that I have GOT to go inside and use the bathroom for sanitary purposes. Grab the cell phone and call to see if NoMH is up. No answer
728am: inside house, in bathroom, call neighbor, who is still at home and up because dogs are outside barking in rain. No answer. Make mental note to do laundry when I get home tonight before going to church.
729am: call B again for NoMH. No answer.
730am: try to text B. While texting she calls. NoMH is up, yes, but he is also in Louisiana. He shipped out two days early, leaving on Tuesday instead of Thursday. Realize that not being married sucks, as I still am on my own for this and NoMH isn’t here to help
731am: cave and call mom to see if she is on this side of town today. instantly regret it as she is already condescending.
732am: neighbor beeps in. she has flu, so not going to work, but more than happy to let me use her personal car as she will use the company truck if she needs to run out. sing neighbor praises and hang up on mom.
739am: call boss. he never got text message, so explain situation, and then have to prevent white knight syndrome. I can change my own damn tire, thankyouverymuch, and you can’t even get a bottle of water open and have me do it. what makes you think you can get the lug nut off? Don’t say any of this out loud however, insist that I am fine and will be in as soon as I clean up.
750am: cleaned up, dressed, pack lunch for work
755am: walk to neighbors house to get keys and car. thank God for her again
800am: drive back to house to get purse out of car, realize that rails on side of driveway have been knocked off. come to conclusion that this is probably why I have a flat tire, as there are only a gazillion nails sticking out of the sucker.
802am: on way to work
819am: at work. scare bejeezus out of boss, as he thought I just called ten minutes ago. Have conversation that it truly was 40 minutes ago, he doesn’t believe me. Pulls out his cell phone to prove it’s only been ten and realizes that it has, in fact, been 37 since I called him according to his phone. am chastized for rounding up to 40. counter with the ‘at least I didn’t round down to 10’ defense.
830am: check bank balance to see how much spare cash I have in case I have to get car fixed tonight, realize I am overdrawn by $100 with $44 of it being fees. Start remembering those curse words again. Realize that instead of a $50 payment that I had recorded in my checkbook, it was a $150 payment, and now I’m annoyed at my own stupidity. thankful today is unemployment payday, that at least gets me out of the red.
841am: get back from making copies, sit down at desk, and chair collapses under me so that I’m now sitting on the floor almost. Throw up hands, declare the day a total waste, and decide to spend the majority of the day putzing around on the internet as any work I am about to do is tainted. This is further enforced when at:
901am: decide that since I am crampy and irritated and it is rainy and gross out that chai tea sounds good. Get mug, get mix, go get hot water and make tea. On way back to desk, turn corner and run into someone in the hallway, and spill all over my pants. this is why I do not drink hot beverages in the workplace
I am officially requesting a do over for Wednesday, January 26th. Anything you can do to help me in this regard would be greatly appreciated. I get it. The day is not meant to go my way. I should have disregarded the alarm and slept until six. Your humbly chastised child,