I haven’t participated in any of my link parties lately. As so often happens, life got in the way. I know this isn’t really the place to post, but it’s the post that I’m writing today, so it’s where this is going to go. But I have really not been feeling stellar the last few weeks. You know, in a mental sort of way.
Here’s the thing. Depression and mental disease run in my family. I have a tendency to, when things get overwhelming, park my rear on the couch and sleep for three days straight. So when I have several nights of going to sleep within thirty minutes of getting home from work, I know something isn’t right in my world. I am not on medication (tried, it once, made no difference, and didn’t want to go on anything stronger) so I try to do it through more holistic, selfish means. Eat healthier. Sit in the sunshine. Read books. Ignore responsibilities for a few days. Don’t talk to my family (as they are always the cause of the depression). And it usually works. Sometimes it takes me a bit longer than it should, but it usually pulls me out of the horrid funk and makes me pleasant enough for society again.
Thus has been the situation the last few weeks. The situation with my mother and her chronic illness has just become overwhelming, with a lot of elementary school behavior thrown in. Getting her into the medical study, then qualified for the drug trial was our last hope, and now that she’s in let’s hope she does well. But the attitude and behavior is just horrible from her. A lot of “and then he did” “and then she did” blame being thrown around and interesting interpretation of the facts and truth. It’s hard. It’s especially hard as a caregiver to be treated this way, doubly so as her daughter, and since I don’t live with her (yet) it’s even worse when I hear tales being told about me to others that are–at best–only minimally rooted in truth. It’s hard when you can’t really turn to your friends for support, because none of them have ever been through this. They listen, and feel sorry for you, but also think that you’re making a big deal out of nothing, so you tend to bear the brunt of the burden alone.
So I took to the couch. And slept.
Yesterday I started feeling human again. I read a book, did some housework. Watched some TV, and fiddled with my latest game app obsession. And feel like now I can participate in the link parties that I’ve been absent from for a few weeks. I know that for most of the links I”m one of hundreds to participate, therefore I also know I’m not missed. Especially since I think I can count on one hand the number of people I know that are even aware that I have a blog. But I’m excited to return to the world of faceless internet readers who find me just because they clicked on a link. It makes the world feel smaller somehow, and me feel like I’m part of a normal world instead of one where it is all about coordinating medical visits and bathing and meals and care. So here we are, with this week’s Sunday Social!
1. What is something you’ve always wanted to do but are afraid of?
Oh so many things. But lately, the one that I’ve been thinking about the most is being a mom. Because at this point in my life I’d have to do it alone. I’ve always wanted to adopt, so that doesn’t phase me, but I look at these wonderful women who are single moms in my church, who adopted one or two or five children starting in their 40s, and it terrifies me. Because I can barely take care of myself, and as much as I want to be a mom I’m not sure I could do it without a husband.
2. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Same job, bigger office. Running a staff, reached forum at least one if not three years running. If the same house, hopefully with some major repairs/renovations/replacements. You know, like the giant hole that has appeared in my couch or the mattress that is I’m-not-even-going-to-tell-you how many years old.
3. What are you looking forward to before the end of 2013?
Continuing the journey to get back on my feet financially. Continuing to stay involved in my church, and teaching this new study starting in seven weeks. This medication that my mother is on working, and life becoming a little easier for a while.
4. What are your hopes for your blog?
That it continues to serve as a venting outlet, a creative outlet, and something fun for me to do. That it’s never a chore, that it’s a source of enjoyment.
5. Do you always see yourself living in your current town/city?
If you’d asked me 20 years ago as I was getting out of college the answer was no. An emphatic hell no at that. I never wanted to move back to my hometown, would have loved to live in DC again. Would have tried Nashville, Chicago, Atlanta, New York in a heartbeat. Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t see myself always living here, but at the same time I could. I just hope that wherever I am I have the community that I have managed to build here over the last decade or so.
6. What is your morning routine?
On a workday, alarm goes off at 615. I may or may not acknowledge it until anywhere between 645 and 715. Get up, let dog out, throw breakfast in microwave. Use bathroom (can take awhile), and bathe. Eat while watching Good Morning America. Get dressed, let dog in, and leave house by 745.